Well, today I am still feeling gross. Still convinced AF is on her way but is taking her sweet time!! I had a thought today that maybe I get PMS for two weeks which means that on the first day I get cranky maybe that is when I ovulate? I will keep track of this theory and if it is correct, I should get AF on Friday. I will keep it in mind for my cycle. But if that's not it, then I don't know what's going on. I am so irritatble and I am getting more and more pimples by the day. I just feel disgusting and want it to be over. I have never really had PMS until maybe this year/last few months so I really dont know what's going on. I hate the feeling of not understanding what is going on in my own bed. I just want to be goddamn pregnant!! Or if AF insists on coming, hurry the hell up, so I can stop feeling so fat, ugly and gross. *SIGH*
I have my kids with me today from 11:30 til 4. Lucas is at kinder from 12:30 til 3. And Bethany is having a snooze now. I feel so bad. I was so looking forward to seeing them but I am just cranky and have no patience. I just want to have energy. I know it's this ridiculous lifestyle I have adopted since the kids were taken away but ugh. I just feel blah. It must be the horomones.
But I do have some other things on my mind....
Ben is apparently getting out today. Perhaps this morning. And the unknown freaks me out. The fact that since the kids aren't in my care, I can't protect them from him. Not that he is dangerous, but they have no idea who he is and I dont want him to come back in their lives. He also made lots of threats to take them away over the time that I have been separated from him and during the months before I actually left him. He is just awful. He is the most self-centred person I have ever come across - well, maybe my mother is, but she is no longer a threat to my children. She tried to steal lucas when he was 2 weeks old and then again at 6 months but thats another story!! I just want him to leave us alone. I wish he was locked up forever. I wish he would do what best for the kids and just stay away. But no, he is selfish and sees the kids as his possessions. It is all about his 'right' to see 'his' kids, not what is actually best for them. He never provided for us in any way, shape or form. He significiantly contributed to my declining mental health when we were together impairing my ability to provide for the kids. The breaking point came when he left us with no money (he would spend all of his money and then take mine) and with no formula for Bethany when she 11 months old and I had to go to the health nurse and ask for free samples of formula just to make it through the day. Once I finally left and moved in with my sister, he would see the kids so erratically and inconsistently and it really hurt Lucas. He stopped sleeping well and hardly ate anything for six months. Ben would always make me come along when he had the kids cos "having two kids on your own is really hard". REALLY? YOU THINK??? Ben couldn't put anything before his stupid gambling habit. I was happy to help him deal with it - mostly for the sake of my kids, but he wouldn't even admit he has a problem. He is such a liar and is so manipulative. The more I begged and pleaded for him to just see them consistently, the more he 'rebelled'. No one would tell him what to do. He is 32 for god's sake. Grow up. I could just go on and on and on. I hate him. And I am terrified of him. Just thought of him being on the 'outside' makes me want to take the kids and run. DHS said they would allow him access and that it would be supervised which is something, but they are so fucking useless. I hate them, I hate him. I just hate it all. But I have to play nice with him, otherwise I risk the children's safety. I have said to him, I dont mind how much he sees the kids (and that will be DHS' problem to start with anyway) but just do it consistently. I just want to scream. I feel so scared and so powerless. ARGH!
Also, another thing on my mind, is that I have to do this parenting/attachment assessment at DHS tomorrow. The kids are acting traumatised (according to their foster carer and DHS) and while I maintain this is probably because of the actions of DHS and the foster care situation, they want to assess me interacting with the children. I don't have a problem with it cos I have a great relationship and bond with the kids, but I am nervous on being judged. We have court on August 30 so this will be the last assessment/piece of information DHS get before then. Also at some stage tomorrow I have to report to Centrelink cos I am on Newstart and apparently this thing at DHS will take all day. Not to mention, DHS have not even got back to me about when I have to be there.
So I think what is stressing me at the moment is all the unknowns. Is Ben out? What is going to do? What will happen if/when he sees the kids? What will be the outcome of this assessment? And how will it affect court? What time do I even have to be there? And how will I fit in a trip to Centrelink as well?
And speaking of court, I tried to call legal aid all last week to get legal rep for the 30th but they haven't returned my calls. Argh. Everything is so up in the air. And I just can't be bothered dealing with any of it. No wonder I like to hide in the refuge of my computer!
God, I am sorry for the whinge. Nobody likes to read all about 'poor me'. I just feel crap. And I don't want to. I hope AF makes an appearance soon and that it helps a bit. If not, who knows what i will do. Most likely, spend more time on Bubhub.
I really do love it there. I love having girls that I can chat to or play games with. It really is my happy place :)