Monday, August 16, 2010

Another day, another BFN

Well, I thought I better do another post here cos I think I am bringing down the whole mood of the chat thread on BH tonight. LOL.

Where did we leave off? Oh i bit my tongue, which still hurts, and it kinda all went downhill from there.

I caved and did another preg test and it is another BFN. Even though I convinced myself I could see a second line if i tilted it at just the right angle. It was probably after the ten minute mark anyway. I know I am just desperate and delusional.

I am pretty much an emotional wreck. Which I know means AF is on its way (any time you are ready, dear!!) which only further depresses me cos i know i am not pregnant. And the fact that I am depressed, depresses me cos I just want to chat on BH and be normal.

I can't be bothered with tomorrow. I will do it. I will do anything to get my kids back but I can't be bothered getting up tomorrow morning.

It is just a bad day.

It is just my horomones.

I know it's true but it still sucks.

 I wish I could live in a computer. I wish life was as easy as BH. Easy to meet people. So much love and care. Easy to avoid controversy; people and topics you don't like. I can forget how much it hurts to not have my kids. I can forget how far away I live from my family. I can forget that I have no fucking friends. I can share other people's pregnancies and babies and forget -even temporarily- how much it kills me inside that i dont have my own.

I guess i have always struggled with 'real life' and the challenges it presents, especially because I seem to attract/cause a lot of trouble. But now I have this alternate reality where I can socialise, people know me or even bettter, don't know me, it just makes it that little bit harder to cope with reality.

I am always looking for ways to cope - when I couldn't, suicide was the answer. Now that is not an option. So the self-harm started. Then stopped. Then drinking. Then boys. Now I have stopped all that crap - got myself a boyfriend, which stopped some of the more unhealthy behaviours. Now I have an escape. And I love it. I just don't like leaving it.

Up to a week ago I was so happy with my life. Even not having my kids - I was happy that I was having good access visits with them, that they were with an adequate carer, etc. I was happy that I had finally found a boyfriend. And he loved me. He was so similar to me. And he moved in. He made so much sacrifice.

And now I am here. Miserable anyway. Does any of it matter? I can have what I want in life and still be totally unhappy. I guess it is the human condition to always want more; to strive better. But for me, it just makes me tired. It just makes me want to give up. Just further submerge myself online. I don't even want a real life; I am no good at it.

I will read this back in a big when AF and will be so embarassed at how melodramatic I was, but I guess I need to get it out.

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