Yet another long winded blog entry...

Well here I am again. Not much new to report but I have got nothing else to do so I might just ramble on into cyberspace.

Well, tomorrow has finally been organised. I have to be at DHS at 9:30. Hopefully I can get my act together and get to Centrelink to report before that, so it doesn't weigh on my mind all day. I have stuff from my psychologist to read over before tomorrow but I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered doing anything but sitting right here.

After Bethany had a sleep and we got Lucas from kinder, I had a good last hour with them. Just kinda crashed after that. Surely I am just worried about tomorrow. Or it is just these horomones. I am just sick of feeling like crap. I just can't be bothered. I don't want to be mopey. I didn't start this blog just to whinge and whine - I wanted to show off how incredibly hilarious and witty I am. But alas, maybe after AF arrives.

Though, I do have a pregnancy test sitting right next to me. I asked DP to get it when he went to the shops to get me dinner and more ice cream. (Isn't he lovely?) Should I do the test? Wait til the morning? Wait til Friday? Who knows? I am so impatient and I do this every month, test right up until AF comes. It is ridiculous and expensive. Maybe I will. But a negative test - which it will most likely be - isn't likely to improve my mood. I will keep thinking about it.

I think I will try to get an early night tonight , well before midnight anyway. I think I could do with a decent sleep and I want to be at my best for tomorrow. The way I am feeling now though, there is a danger that if I get into bed, I may never want to get up.

OMG! I just bit my tongue. Really hard. It's bleeding. OMG!! It hurts. FML. Seriously.

Anyway, seeing as I have nothing new to add since my last post. I thought I might provide more background to myself. I thought I would elaborate on my 'mental health issues'.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll google some info and find the simplest explanation I can and add it here.

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment


2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7) chronic feelings of emptiness
8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms.

So that's sort of me in a nut shell though I don't have the paranoia/dissociation symptom. Alot of people confuse it with having multiple personalities which drives me nuts. No, I just have the one persona! As crwzy as it may be - it is just one!

I think I have been depressed since I was about 15 when I was forced to have an abortion by XDP. I never had or sought treatment for it until I was pregnant with Bee and went to the doctor and she put me on anti-depressants a week before she was born. Up until last year, everyone has been labelling me with 'post natal depression' - something I have always objected to. I didn't quite fit with the 'depression' criteria and it was only classified as 'post-natal' because of the timing. But PND is all the rage these days, and no one wanted to treat me properly. I did everything I had to do, counselling, meds and mother/baby bonding for me and Bethany. But it didn't work because it wasn't the issue.

So I kept travelling along miserable, resigned to the thought that this was the way life was going to be, until I reached crisis point and attempted suicide in March 2009. I tried again in April and twice in October 2009. This is why they have taken my kids away. I never did anything in front of my kids. I never exposed them to any harm. The basis of DHS involvement is that if i did successfully suicide I would be likely to cause the children significant psychological harm.

So in October 2009, after my third attempt after which the kids were taken away, DHS arranged for me to see a psychologist to assess and diagnose me. This is what I have wanted all along. I have seen so many doctors and shrinks. This lady was nice enough (for someone sussing me out for DHS) and I was completely open and honest with her (which probably didnt help my case with DHS). In her report, she diagnosed me with BPD and also suggested I was a candidate for major depression. She took in my whole story not just my experiences in the last few months. Once I researched BPD and read heaps about it, I knew that it was what I have. The diagnosis just fits so well. And having a name to put to it, makes me realise that I am not the only one. I am not just fucked in the head - it is a professionally recognised condition.

I did have a suicide attempt two weeks after my assessment but it was my last.

I have done so much work since October 2009 and have come so far. Suicide will never be an option for me. Even though sometimes I want to run away or want out or life is too hard or I feel I can't cope, I won't leave my kids behind. I have seen what will happen to them if I am not here ie. foster care and it is just not good enough. No matter how much I was convinced they would be better off without me, I can see that they are not.

I am seeing a really good psychologist who really knows her stuff and she has been so good to me. And I am slowly learning to manage some, if not all, of the symptoms BPD entails.

DHS took my kids away in October 2009 and it took us to January 2010 to reach an agreement about how long the kids should stay in foster care. They want 12 months and i wanted 3. We eventually settled on 6. I was due to get them back on  the 18th of July. However this did not happen. Now that suicide is not a concern, DHS have changed their tune and are saying that the kids are acting 'traumatised' and they want to see why. Like I have said, I think it is because they have been taken away from me and put in an unstable foster care environment. Their carer is nice enough but she is constantly taking on other kids in respite and another boy that has been in foster care with the kids for six months and who they had grown very attached to, was recently removed which unsettled the kids. And every time the carer gets a baby in respite who is younger than Bee, Bee 'gets her nose out of joint' (the carer's words). And on top of this, the kids are sometimes put in overnight respite care while the carer takes a trip to Melbourne. And DHS have the audacity to ask me what I am doing to upset and unsettle the kids? All the behaviours that are concerning are happening at the carer's house and they are both well behaved here.

I could go on and on about all the flaws of DHS but I think I will take it one rant at a time.

And God help us if XDP gets out and tries to get back into their lives and unsettles them further, I am sure that will be all my fault too.

Sigh... well i feel better after ranting and raving a bit. I am sorry to anyone reading  - I am not usually such a misery guts! I hope I will feel better after getting tomorrow's assessment done.

I wonder if Ben (XDP) is out yet? His sister told me that he was getting out this morning but I haven't heard from him, I just assumed I would. Apparently he is going to stay with his mother (insert eye rolling emoticon here). Oh well, I guess it is a good thing I haven't heard from him. One less thing to deal with. But the curiosity is killing me. I will try to remind myself that ignorance is bliss.

Ok, so plan for tonight - read the stuff from my psych and get an early night. I think we all know how this is going to turn out - on BH!