Well, today I am feeling great - so no whingy post today! :D It started with the kids being dropped off on time (always a great start!). I was supposed to have them 9:30 til 12:30 today but at around 10, my case worker from DHS rang and asked if I wanted to have the kids til 4pm a) because they had no one to pick them up til then -lol- and b) because the feedback from the psychologist who assessed me on Tuesday was good. So I am thrilled about that. I can't remember what I put in my post about the assessment so excuse me if I repeat myself, but the psychologist had no problem with my parenting skills and agreed with my diagnosis and the treatment my psychologist is going with. There was mention of getting the kids back sooner than the 6 months DHS are asking for and having respite with their current carer. Personally I am thrilled at that suggestion. I means I can get them back sooner but also not be just thrown in at the deep end and the kids can have respite with a carer they are already familiar with. I think it will be hard for them when they first come back home to separate from their carer as they have been living there for 9 or so months now, so that might aid the transition anyway.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but it has been a long time since I have had any good news from DHS. But hopefully they will keep increasing access etc and have them back sooner. And the benefit of continuing to have DHS involved is that they can regulate Ben's contact with the kids so it is not my problem. At the moment they are talking about one hour a fortnight fully supervised at DHS which I am thrilled about. But even while in prison, Ben was whinging about how far it was to travel (cos he has got such a busy schedule?? Planning a crime spree perhaps?) so i doubt he will even make the effort. At the moment, it is his Mum ringing up and hassling DHS about Ben having access. And God, do not even get me started on what I think about her.
But on a more positive note, we have had a fantastic day. Lucas and Bee really enjoy going to the swimming pool so once I found out we were having an extra long day, I suggested we go to the pool. We went to the Marketplace (the main shoping centre in Bendigo) and bought them bathers and snacks for the day as well as had a muffin and baby cinos/coffee at Muffin Break. Then we went to the pool. The kids are getting so good at jumping in and Lucas can touch the ground at the shallow end. I really want to keep that up, everytime we go they get more and more confident. I definitely want to get them into swimming lessons when I get them back.
And I find having a day out and doing things, I cope much better with them and don't get as tired. I feel really good with how I have handled them today and my energy levels etc. They have been so good and I have genuinely had fun with them today.
Now we are having 'quiet time' - Bee is in bed and Lucas is watching his Thomas DVD.
But yeah I am glad that I can once again create a cheery post, even I was getting sick of my whinging!! And just so happy that I have had a better day with the kids and am feeling so much better about myself after yesterday. :)
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today with the kids
I had my kids for a three hour access visit this morning. Started off badly as I slept in and there was confusion about who was dropping them off etc and they arrived half an hour late.
I was so exhausted from the big day at DHS yesterday which was very emotionally draining.
When they were here, I was tired, impatient and didnt have enough energy for them. I felt terrible and I stil do and that is why I am venting it here. I want to start fresh with them tomorrow, without the guilt of today hanging over me.
I just get so tired when the kids are around. I try so hard to be 'on my game'. Juggling the two kids constantly with them both talking at me - trying to listen to both of them at the same time and process what they are saying and respond. And Lucas is extra sensitive and easily upset.
*sigh* I feel like I have so much more to say but nothing is really coming out. Maybe I am distracted or just over it.
I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I love them so much and I just want to enjoy every second I have with them especially while we have limited time during access etc.
When I get them back, I will work up a routine and have at least one outing every day to keep things exciting and so I stay awake. I hate being so tired and lethargic around them.
I even cancelled my psych appt while they were here cos I thought I was just about to fall asleep but as soon as they were gone I woke right up!
I hate it. It is so frustrating :(
Anyway, I can't do anything to change how today went. I can only try to have an early night tonight. And try to make tomorrow a better day for me and the kids.
I was so exhausted from the big day at DHS yesterday which was very emotionally draining.
When they were here, I was tired, impatient and didnt have enough energy for them. I felt terrible and I stil do and that is why I am venting it here. I want to start fresh with them tomorrow, without the guilt of today hanging over me.
I just get so tired when the kids are around. I try so hard to be 'on my game'. Juggling the two kids constantly with them both talking at me - trying to listen to both of them at the same time and process what they are saying and respond. And Lucas is extra sensitive and easily upset.
*sigh* I feel like I have so much more to say but nothing is really coming out. Maybe I am distracted or just over it.
I just hope tomorrow is a better day. I love them so much and I just want to enjoy every second I have with them especially while we have limited time during access etc.
When I get them back, I will work up a routine and have at least one outing every day to keep things exciting and so I stay awake. I hate being so tired and lethargic around them.
I even cancelled my psych appt while they were here cos I thought I was just about to fall asleep but as soon as they were gone I woke right up!
I hate it. It is so frustrating :(
Anyway, I can't do anything to change how today went. I can only try to have an early night tonight. And try to make tomorrow a better day for me and the kids.
Boys Night
So the issue of the day....
Shane has boys' night every Tuesday. When we first started going out, I would go down to Melbourne to see him every Tuesday because that is when I don't have the kids and I could stay at his place and come back to Bendigo early Wednesday morning. So when I would stay in Melbourne and we would go to boys night (basically just a bunch of boys playing xbox). When boys night is at each guy's house, their gf is usually there but other than that, I am usually the only one there. Then Shane moved in with me, and would make the trek down to Melbourne to go to boys night - it is a two hour drive there and back. So there is the back story, cut to this morning....
We obviously went to boys night last night (and as a matter of fact, i didnt feel like going cos i had an exhasuting day being judged at DHS). This morning, one of the girlfriend's fb status was 'why are you even there? you are not wanted' obviously referring to me. The same guy's sister chimes in and says something about me being an idiot. I am not friends with this gf so I cant see the post but Shane can and sticks up for me. So Shane sends a text around to the boys asking sort of what the hell is going on and if anyone had a problem with me being there, they should have said something. Anyway, it turns out the whole issue is that I am 'allowed' to go to boys night but the other girlfriends aren't. And apparently that is my problem cos my boyfriend wants me there and the other guys don't want their girlfriends there? And what has that got to do with my intelligence.
So it has gone back and forth with texts and calls between Shane and his friends. But whatever.
I have deleted most of his friends off my facebook (all the ones that go to boys night anyway) but I just don't care. I mean, it pisses me off that some bitch in the south east is publicly bitching about me on facebook when I have no opportunity to defend myself.
I just see it as a non-issue. If the guys had a problem with me being there, they should have spoken to Shane about it.
We have serious issues going on here outside this high school bitchiness of who is 'allowed' to go to boys night - my kids are in foster care, we are dealing with DHS and also TTC.
I am obviously wanted at boys night cos Shane wants me there. If no one wanted me there, then clearly I wouldn't go. It is the other guys that don't want their girlfriends there - that is their problem, not mine. How is it my fault if their boyfriends dont want them there but my boyfriend wants me there? And how has that got any bearing on my intelligence?
I posted some shit on facebook in response cos this girl that first bitched about me is a fucking ugly, fat bitch. But apparently my comments are out of line. But i dont care. What matters to me is Shane. And Shane and I are on the same team. And people can't just say whatever they want about me.
That stupid fat bitch can go get fucked. No one wants HER there -not even her own boyfriend.
So just get the fuck out of my life and leave me the fuck alone.
Shane has boys' night every Tuesday. When we first started going out, I would go down to Melbourne to see him every Tuesday because that is when I don't have the kids and I could stay at his place and come back to Bendigo early Wednesday morning. So when I would stay in Melbourne and we would go to boys night (basically just a bunch of boys playing xbox). When boys night is at each guy's house, their gf is usually there but other than that, I am usually the only one there. Then Shane moved in with me, and would make the trek down to Melbourne to go to boys night - it is a two hour drive there and back. So there is the back story, cut to this morning....
We obviously went to boys night last night (and as a matter of fact, i didnt feel like going cos i had an exhasuting day being judged at DHS). This morning, one of the girlfriend's fb status was 'why are you even there? you are not wanted' obviously referring to me. The same guy's sister chimes in and says something about me being an idiot. I am not friends with this gf so I cant see the post but Shane can and sticks up for me. So Shane sends a text around to the boys asking sort of what the hell is going on and if anyone had a problem with me being there, they should have said something. Anyway, it turns out the whole issue is that I am 'allowed' to go to boys night but the other girlfriends aren't. And apparently that is my problem cos my boyfriend wants me there and the other guys don't want their girlfriends there? And what has that got to do with my intelligence.
So it has gone back and forth with texts and calls between Shane and his friends. But whatever.
I have deleted most of his friends off my facebook (all the ones that go to boys night anyway) but I just don't care. I mean, it pisses me off that some bitch in the south east is publicly bitching about me on facebook when I have no opportunity to defend myself.
I just see it as a non-issue. If the guys had a problem with me being there, they should have spoken to Shane about it.
We have serious issues going on here outside this high school bitchiness of who is 'allowed' to go to boys night - my kids are in foster care, we are dealing with DHS and also TTC.
I am obviously wanted at boys night cos Shane wants me there. If no one wanted me there, then clearly I wouldn't go. It is the other guys that don't want their girlfriends there - that is their problem, not mine. How is it my fault if their boyfriends dont want them there but my boyfriend wants me there? And how has that got any bearing on my intelligence?
I posted some shit on facebook in response cos this girl that first bitched about me is a fucking ugly, fat bitch. But apparently my comments are out of line. But i dont care. What matters to me is Shane. And Shane and I are on the same team. And people can't just say whatever they want about me.
That stupid fat bitch can go get fucked. No one wants HER there -not even her own boyfriend.
So just get the fuck out of my life and leave me the fuck alone.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Another day, another BFN
Well, I thought I better do another post here cos I think I am bringing down the whole mood of the chat thread on BH tonight. LOL.
Where did we leave off? Oh i bit my tongue, which still hurts, and it kinda all went downhill from there.
I caved and did another preg test and it is another BFN. Even though I convinced myself I could see a second line if i tilted it at just the right angle. It was probably after the ten minute mark anyway. I know I am just desperate and delusional.
I am pretty much an emotional wreck. Which I know means AF is on its way (any time you are ready, dear!!) which only further depresses me cos i know i am not pregnant. And the fact that I am depressed, depresses me cos I just want to chat on BH and be normal.
I can't be bothered with tomorrow. I will do it. I will do anything to get my kids back but I can't be bothered getting up tomorrow morning.
It is just a bad day.
It is just my horomones.
I know it's true but it still sucks.
I wish I could live in a computer. I wish life was as easy as BH. Easy to meet people. So much love and care. Easy to avoid controversy; people and topics you don't like. I can forget how much it hurts to not have my kids. I can forget how far away I live from my family. I can forget that I have no fucking friends. I can share other people's pregnancies and babies and forget -even temporarily- how much it kills me inside that i dont have my own.
I guess i have always struggled with 'real life' and the challenges it presents, especially because I seem to attract/cause a lot of trouble. But now I have this alternate reality where I can socialise, people know me or even bettter, don't know me, it just makes it that little bit harder to cope with reality.
I am always looking for ways to cope - when I couldn't, suicide was the answer. Now that is not an option. So the self-harm started. Then stopped. Then drinking. Then boys. Now I have stopped all that crap - got myself a boyfriend, which stopped some of the more unhealthy behaviours. Now I have an escape. And I love it. I just don't like leaving it.
Up to a week ago I was so happy with my life. Even not having my kids - I was happy that I was having good access visits with them, that they were with an adequate carer, etc. I was happy that I had finally found a boyfriend. And he loved me. He was so similar to me. And he moved in. He made so much sacrifice.
And now I am here. Miserable anyway. Does any of it matter? I can have what I want in life and still be totally unhappy. I guess it is the human condition to always want more; to strive better. But for me, it just makes me tired. It just makes me want to give up. Just further submerge myself online. I don't even want a real life; I am no good at it.
I will read this back in a big when AF and will be so embarassed at how melodramatic I was, but I guess I need to get it out.
Where did we leave off? Oh i bit my tongue, which still hurts, and it kinda all went downhill from there.
I caved and did another preg test and it is another BFN. Even though I convinced myself I could see a second line if i tilted it at just the right angle. It was probably after the ten minute mark anyway. I know I am just desperate and delusional.
I am pretty much an emotional wreck. Which I know means AF is on its way (any time you are ready, dear!!) which only further depresses me cos i know i am not pregnant. And the fact that I am depressed, depresses me cos I just want to chat on BH and be normal.
I can't be bothered with tomorrow. I will do it. I will do anything to get my kids back but I can't be bothered getting up tomorrow morning.
It is just a bad day.
It is just my horomones.
I know it's true but it still sucks.
I wish I could live in a computer. I wish life was as easy as BH. Easy to meet people. So much love and care. Easy to avoid controversy; people and topics you don't like. I can forget how much it hurts to not have my kids. I can forget how far away I live from my family. I can forget that I have no fucking friends. I can share other people's pregnancies and babies and forget -even temporarily- how much it kills me inside that i dont have my own.
I guess i have always struggled with 'real life' and the challenges it presents, especially because I seem to attract/cause a lot of trouble. But now I have this alternate reality where I can socialise, people know me or even bettter, don't know me, it just makes it that little bit harder to cope with reality.
I am always looking for ways to cope - when I couldn't, suicide was the answer. Now that is not an option. So the self-harm started. Then stopped. Then drinking. Then boys. Now I have stopped all that crap - got myself a boyfriend, which stopped some of the more unhealthy behaviours. Now I have an escape. And I love it. I just don't like leaving it.
Up to a week ago I was so happy with my life. Even not having my kids - I was happy that I was having good access visits with them, that they were with an adequate carer, etc. I was happy that I had finally found a boyfriend. And he loved me. He was so similar to me. And he moved in. He made so much sacrifice.
And now I am here. Miserable anyway. Does any of it matter? I can have what I want in life and still be totally unhappy. I guess it is the human condition to always want more; to strive better. But for me, it just makes me tired. It just makes me want to give up. Just further submerge myself online. I don't even want a real life; I am no good at it.
I will read this back in a big when AF and will be so embarassed at how melodramatic I was, but I guess I need to get it out.
Yet another long winded blog entry...
Well here I am again. Not much new to report but I have got nothing else to do so I might just ramble on into cyberspace.
Well, tomorrow has finally been organised. I have to be at DHS at 9:30. Hopefully I can get my act together and get to Centrelink to report before that, so it doesn't weigh on my mind all day. I have stuff from my psychologist to read over before tomorrow but I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered doing anything but sitting right here.
After Bethany had a sleep and we got Lucas from kinder, I had a good last hour with them. Just kinda crashed after that. Surely I am just worried about tomorrow. Or it is just these horomones. I am just sick of feeling like crap. I just can't be bothered. I don't want to be mopey. I didn't start this blog just to whinge and whine - I wanted to show off how incredibly hilarious and witty I am. But alas, maybe after AF arrives.
Though, I do have a pregnancy test sitting right next to me. I asked DP to get it when he went to the shops to get me dinner and more ice cream. (Isn't he lovely?) Should I do the test? Wait til the morning? Wait til Friday? Who knows? I am so impatient and I do this every month, test right up until AF comes. It is ridiculous and expensive. Maybe I will. But a negative test - which it will most likely be - isn't likely to improve my mood. I will keep thinking about it.
I think I will try to get an early night tonight , well before midnight anyway. I think I could do with a decent sleep and I want to be at my best for tomorrow. The way I am feeling now though, there is a danger that if I get into bed, I may never want to get up.
OMG! I just bit my tongue. Really hard. It's bleeding. OMG!! It hurts. FML. Seriously.
Anyway, seeing as I have nothing new to add since my last post. I thought I might provide more background to myself. I thought I would elaborate on my 'mental health issues'.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll google some info and find the simplest explanation I can and add it here.
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7) chronic feelings of emptiness
8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms.
So that's sort of me in a nut shell though I don't have the paranoia/dissociation symptom. Alot of people confuse it with having multiple personalities which drives me nuts. No, I just have the one persona! As crwzy as it may be - it is just one!
I think I have been depressed since I was about 15 when I was forced to have an abortion by XDP. I never had or sought treatment for it until I was pregnant with Bee and went to the doctor and she put me on anti-depressants a week before she was born. Up until last year, everyone has been labelling me with 'post natal depression' - something I have always objected to. I didn't quite fit with the 'depression' criteria and it was only classified as 'post-natal' because of the timing. But PND is all the rage these days, and no one wanted to treat me properly. I did everything I had to do, counselling, meds and mother/baby bonding for me and Bethany. But it didn't work because it wasn't the issue.
So I kept travelling along miserable, resigned to the thought that this was the way life was going to be, until I reached crisis point and attempted suicide in March 2009. I tried again in April and twice in October 2009. This is why they have taken my kids away. I never did anything in front of my kids. I never exposed them to any harm. The basis of DHS involvement is that if i did successfully suicide I would be likely to cause the children significant psychological harm.
So in October 2009, after my third attempt after which the kids were taken away, DHS arranged for me to see a psychologist to assess and diagnose me. This is what I have wanted all along. I have seen so many doctors and shrinks. This lady was nice enough (for someone sussing me out for DHS) and I was completely open and honest with her (which probably didnt help my case with DHS). In her report, she diagnosed me with BPD and also suggested I was a candidate for major depression. She took in my whole story not just my experiences in the last few months. Once I researched BPD and read heaps about it, I knew that it was what I have. The diagnosis just fits so well. And having a name to put to it, makes me realise that I am not the only one. I am not just fucked in the head - it is a professionally recognised condition.
I did have a suicide attempt two weeks after my assessment but it was my last.
I have done so much work since October 2009 and have come so far. Suicide will never be an option for me. Even though sometimes I want to run away or want out or life is too hard or I feel I can't cope, I won't leave my kids behind. I have seen what will happen to them if I am not here ie. foster care and it is just not good enough. No matter how much I was convinced they would be better off without me, I can see that they are not.
I am seeing a really good psychologist who really knows her stuff and she has been so good to me. And I am slowly learning to manage some, if not all, of the symptoms BPD entails.
DHS took my kids away in October 2009 and it took us to January 2010 to reach an agreement about how long the kids should stay in foster care. They want 12 months and i wanted 3. We eventually settled on 6. I was due to get them back on the 18th of July. However this did not happen. Now that suicide is not a concern, DHS have changed their tune and are saying that the kids are acting 'traumatised' and they want to see why. Like I have said, I think it is because they have been taken away from me and put in an unstable foster care environment. Their carer is nice enough but she is constantly taking on other kids in respite and another boy that has been in foster care with the kids for six months and who they had grown very attached to, was recently removed which unsettled the kids. And every time the carer gets a baby in respite who is younger than Bee, Bee 'gets her nose out of joint' (the carer's words). And on top of this, the kids are sometimes put in overnight respite care while the carer takes a trip to Melbourne. And DHS have the audacity to ask me what I am doing to upset and unsettle the kids? All the behaviours that are concerning are happening at the carer's house and they are both well behaved here.
I could go on and on about all the flaws of DHS but I think I will take it one rant at a time.
And God help us if XDP gets out and tries to get back into their lives and unsettles them further, I am sure that will be all my fault too.
Sigh... well i feel better after ranting and raving a bit. I am sorry to anyone reading - I am not usually such a misery guts! I hope I will feel better after getting tomorrow's assessment done.
I wonder if Ben (XDP) is out yet? His sister told me that he was getting out this morning but I haven't heard from him, I just assumed I would. Apparently he is going to stay with his mother (insert eye rolling emoticon here). Oh well, I guess it is a good thing I haven't heard from him. One less thing to deal with. But the curiosity is killing me. I will try to remind myself that ignorance is bliss.
Ok, so plan for tonight - read the stuff from my psych and get an early night. I think we all know how this is going to turn out - on BH!
Well, tomorrow has finally been organised. I have to be at DHS at 9:30. Hopefully I can get my act together and get to Centrelink to report before that, so it doesn't weigh on my mind all day. I have stuff from my psychologist to read over before tomorrow but I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered doing anything but sitting right here.
After Bethany had a sleep and we got Lucas from kinder, I had a good last hour with them. Just kinda crashed after that. Surely I am just worried about tomorrow. Or it is just these horomones. I am just sick of feeling like crap. I just can't be bothered. I don't want to be mopey. I didn't start this blog just to whinge and whine - I wanted to show off how incredibly hilarious and witty I am. But alas, maybe after AF arrives.
Though, I do have a pregnancy test sitting right next to me. I asked DP to get it when he went to the shops to get me dinner and more ice cream. (Isn't he lovely?) Should I do the test? Wait til the morning? Wait til Friday? Who knows? I am so impatient and I do this every month, test right up until AF comes. It is ridiculous and expensive. Maybe I will. But a negative test - which it will most likely be - isn't likely to improve my mood. I will keep thinking about it.
I think I will try to get an early night tonight , well before midnight anyway. I think I could do with a decent sleep and I want to be at my best for tomorrow. The way I am feeling now though, there is a danger that if I get into bed, I may never want to get up.
OMG! I just bit my tongue. Really hard. It's bleeding. OMG!! It hurts. FML. Seriously.
Anyway, seeing as I have nothing new to add since my last post. I thought I might provide more background to myself. I thought I would elaborate on my 'mental health issues'.
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll google some info and find the simplest explanation I can and add it here.
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7) chronic feelings of emptiness
8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms.
So that's sort of me in a nut shell though I don't have the paranoia/dissociation symptom. Alot of people confuse it with having multiple personalities which drives me nuts. No, I just have the one persona! As crwzy as it may be - it is just one!
I think I have been depressed since I was about 15 when I was forced to have an abortion by XDP. I never had or sought treatment for it until I was pregnant with Bee and went to the doctor and she put me on anti-depressants a week before she was born. Up until last year, everyone has been labelling me with 'post natal depression' - something I have always objected to. I didn't quite fit with the 'depression' criteria and it was only classified as 'post-natal' because of the timing. But PND is all the rage these days, and no one wanted to treat me properly. I did everything I had to do, counselling, meds and mother/baby bonding for me and Bethany. But it didn't work because it wasn't the issue.
So I kept travelling along miserable, resigned to the thought that this was the way life was going to be, until I reached crisis point and attempted suicide in March 2009. I tried again in April and twice in October 2009. This is why they have taken my kids away. I never did anything in front of my kids. I never exposed them to any harm. The basis of DHS involvement is that if i did successfully suicide I would be likely to cause the children significant psychological harm.
So in October 2009, after my third attempt after which the kids were taken away, DHS arranged for me to see a psychologist to assess and diagnose me. This is what I have wanted all along. I have seen so many doctors and shrinks. This lady was nice enough (for someone sussing me out for DHS) and I was completely open and honest with her (which probably didnt help my case with DHS). In her report, she diagnosed me with BPD and also suggested I was a candidate for major depression. She took in my whole story not just my experiences in the last few months. Once I researched BPD and read heaps about it, I knew that it was what I have. The diagnosis just fits so well. And having a name to put to it, makes me realise that I am not the only one. I am not just fucked in the head - it is a professionally recognised condition.
I did have a suicide attempt two weeks after my assessment but it was my last.
I have done so much work since October 2009 and have come so far. Suicide will never be an option for me. Even though sometimes I want to run away or want out or life is too hard or I feel I can't cope, I won't leave my kids behind. I have seen what will happen to them if I am not here ie. foster care and it is just not good enough. No matter how much I was convinced they would be better off without me, I can see that they are not.
I am seeing a really good psychologist who really knows her stuff and she has been so good to me. And I am slowly learning to manage some, if not all, of the symptoms BPD entails.
DHS took my kids away in October 2009 and it took us to January 2010 to reach an agreement about how long the kids should stay in foster care. They want 12 months and i wanted 3. We eventually settled on 6. I was due to get them back on the 18th of July. However this did not happen. Now that suicide is not a concern, DHS have changed their tune and are saying that the kids are acting 'traumatised' and they want to see why. Like I have said, I think it is because they have been taken away from me and put in an unstable foster care environment. Their carer is nice enough but she is constantly taking on other kids in respite and another boy that has been in foster care with the kids for six months and who they had grown very attached to, was recently removed which unsettled the kids. And every time the carer gets a baby in respite who is younger than Bee, Bee 'gets her nose out of joint' (the carer's words). And on top of this, the kids are sometimes put in overnight respite care while the carer takes a trip to Melbourne. And DHS have the audacity to ask me what I am doing to upset and unsettle the kids? All the behaviours that are concerning are happening at the carer's house and they are both well behaved here.
I could go on and on about all the flaws of DHS but I think I will take it one rant at a time.
And God help us if XDP gets out and tries to get back into their lives and unsettles them further, I am sure that will be all my fault too.
Sigh... well i feel better after ranting and raving a bit. I am sorry to anyone reading - I am not usually such a misery guts! I hope I will feel better after getting tomorrow's assessment done.
I wonder if Ben (XDP) is out yet? His sister told me that he was getting out this morning but I haven't heard from him, I just assumed I would. Apparently he is going to stay with his mother (insert eye rolling emoticon here). Oh well, I guess it is a good thing I haven't heard from him. One less thing to deal with. But the curiosity is killing me. I will try to remind myself that ignorance is bliss.
Ok, so plan for tonight - read the stuff from my psych and get an early night. I think we all know how this is going to turn out - on BH!
Another whingey post...
Hey all,
Well, today I am still feeling gross. Still convinced AF is on her way but is taking her sweet time!! I had a thought today that maybe I get PMS for two weeks which means that on the first day I get cranky maybe that is when I ovulate? I will keep track of this theory and if it is correct, I should get AF on Friday. I will keep it in mind for my cycle. But if that's not it, then I don't know what's going on. I am so irritatble and I am getting more and more pimples by the day. I just feel disgusting and want it to be over. I have never really had PMS until maybe this year/last few months so I really dont know what's going on. I hate the feeling of not understanding what is going on in my own bed. I just want to be goddamn pregnant!! Or if AF insists on coming, hurry the hell up, so I can stop feeling so fat, ugly and gross. *SIGH*
I have my kids with me today from 11:30 til 4. Lucas is at kinder from 12:30 til 3. And Bethany is having a snooze now. I feel so bad. I was so looking forward to seeing them but I am just cranky and have no patience. I just want to have energy. I know it's this ridiculous lifestyle I have adopted since the kids were taken away but ugh. I just feel blah. It must be the horomones.
But I do have some other things on my mind....
Ben is apparently getting out today. Perhaps this morning. And the unknown freaks me out. The fact that since the kids aren't in my care, I can't protect them from him. Not that he is dangerous, but they have no idea who he is and I dont want him to come back in their lives. He also made lots of threats to take them away over the time that I have been separated from him and during the months before I actually left him. He is just awful. He is the most self-centred person I have ever come across - well, maybe my mother is, but she is no longer a threat to my children. She tried to steal lucas when he was 2 weeks old and then again at 6 months but thats another story!! I just want him to leave us alone. I wish he was locked up forever. I wish he would do what best for the kids and just stay away. But no, he is selfish and sees the kids as his possessions. It is all about his 'right' to see 'his' kids, not what is actually best for them. He never provided for us in any way, shape or form. He significiantly contributed to my declining mental health when we were together impairing my ability to provide for the kids. The breaking point came when he left us with no money (he would spend all of his money and then take mine) and with no formula for Bethany when she 11 months old and I had to go to the health nurse and ask for free samples of formula just to make it through the day. Once I finally left and moved in with my sister, he would see the kids so erratically and inconsistently and it really hurt Lucas. He stopped sleeping well and hardly ate anything for six months. Ben would always make me come along when he had the kids cos "having two kids on your own is really hard". REALLY? YOU THINK??? Ben couldn't put anything before his stupid gambling habit. I was happy to help him deal with it - mostly for the sake of my kids, but he wouldn't even admit he has a problem. He is such a liar and is so manipulative. The more I begged and pleaded for him to just see them consistently, the more he 'rebelled'. No one would tell him what to do. He is 32 for god's sake. Grow up. I could just go on and on and on. I hate him. And I am terrified of him. Just thought of him being on the 'outside' makes me want to take the kids and run. DHS said they would allow him access and that it would be supervised which is something, but they are so fucking useless. I hate them, I hate him. I just hate it all. But I have to play nice with him, otherwise I risk the children's safety. I have said to him, I dont mind how much he sees the kids (and that will be DHS' problem to start with anyway) but just do it consistently. I just want to scream. I feel so scared and so powerless. ARGH!
Also, another thing on my mind, is that I have to do this parenting/attachment assessment at DHS tomorrow. The kids are acting traumatised (according to their foster carer and DHS) and while I maintain this is probably because of the actions of DHS and the foster care situation, they want to assess me interacting with the children. I don't have a problem with it cos I have a great relationship and bond with the kids, but I am nervous on being judged. We have court on August 30 so this will be the last assessment/piece of information DHS get before then. Also at some stage tomorrow I have to report to Centrelink cos I am on Newstart and apparently this thing at DHS will take all day. Not to mention, DHS have not even got back to me about when I have to be there.
So I think what is stressing me at the moment is all the unknowns. Is Ben out? What is going to do? What will happen if/when he sees the kids? What will be the outcome of this assessment? And how will it affect court? What time do I even have to be there? And how will I fit in a trip to Centrelink as well?
And speaking of court, I tried to call legal aid all last week to get legal rep for the 30th but they haven't returned my calls. Argh. Everything is so up in the air. And I just can't be bothered dealing with any of it. No wonder I like to hide in the refuge of my computer!
God, I am sorry for the whinge. Nobody likes to read all about 'poor me'. I just feel crap. And I don't want to. I hope AF makes an appearance soon and that it helps a bit. If not, who knows what i will do. Most likely, spend more time on Bubhub.
I really do love it there. I love having girls that I can chat to or play games with. It really is my happy place :)
Well, today I am still feeling gross. Still convinced AF is on her way but is taking her sweet time!! I had a thought today that maybe I get PMS for two weeks which means that on the first day I get cranky maybe that is when I ovulate? I will keep track of this theory and if it is correct, I should get AF on Friday. I will keep it in mind for my cycle. But if that's not it, then I don't know what's going on. I am so irritatble and I am getting more and more pimples by the day. I just feel disgusting and want it to be over. I have never really had PMS until maybe this year/last few months so I really dont know what's going on. I hate the feeling of not understanding what is going on in my own bed. I just want to be goddamn pregnant!! Or if AF insists on coming, hurry the hell up, so I can stop feeling so fat, ugly and gross. *SIGH*
I have my kids with me today from 11:30 til 4. Lucas is at kinder from 12:30 til 3. And Bethany is having a snooze now. I feel so bad. I was so looking forward to seeing them but I am just cranky and have no patience. I just want to have energy. I know it's this ridiculous lifestyle I have adopted since the kids were taken away but ugh. I just feel blah. It must be the horomones.
But I do have some other things on my mind....
Ben is apparently getting out today. Perhaps this morning. And the unknown freaks me out. The fact that since the kids aren't in my care, I can't protect them from him. Not that he is dangerous, but they have no idea who he is and I dont want him to come back in their lives. He also made lots of threats to take them away over the time that I have been separated from him and during the months before I actually left him. He is just awful. He is the most self-centred person I have ever come across - well, maybe my mother is, but she is no longer a threat to my children. She tried to steal lucas when he was 2 weeks old and then again at 6 months but thats another story!! I just want him to leave us alone. I wish he was locked up forever. I wish he would do what best for the kids and just stay away. But no, he is selfish and sees the kids as his possessions. It is all about his 'right' to see 'his' kids, not what is actually best for them. He never provided for us in any way, shape or form. He significiantly contributed to my declining mental health when we were together impairing my ability to provide for the kids. The breaking point came when he left us with no money (he would spend all of his money and then take mine) and with no formula for Bethany when she 11 months old and I had to go to the health nurse and ask for free samples of formula just to make it through the day. Once I finally left and moved in with my sister, he would see the kids so erratically and inconsistently and it really hurt Lucas. He stopped sleeping well and hardly ate anything for six months. Ben would always make me come along when he had the kids cos "having two kids on your own is really hard". REALLY? YOU THINK??? Ben couldn't put anything before his stupid gambling habit. I was happy to help him deal with it - mostly for the sake of my kids, but he wouldn't even admit he has a problem. He is such a liar and is so manipulative. The more I begged and pleaded for him to just see them consistently, the more he 'rebelled'. No one would tell him what to do. He is 32 for god's sake. Grow up. I could just go on and on and on. I hate him. And I am terrified of him. Just thought of him being on the 'outside' makes me want to take the kids and run. DHS said they would allow him access and that it would be supervised which is something, but they are so fucking useless. I hate them, I hate him. I just hate it all. But I have to play nice with him, otherwise I risk the children's safety. I have said to him, I dont mind how much he sees the kids (and that will be DHS' problem to start with anyway) but just do it consistently. I just want to scream. I feel so scared and so powerless. ARGH!
Also, another thing on my mind, is that I have to do this parenting/attachment assessment at DHS tomorrow. The kids are acting traumatised (according to their foster carer and DHS) and while I maintain this is probably because of the actions of DHS and the foster care situation, they want to assess me interacting with the children. I don't have a problem with it cos I have a great relationship and bond with the kids, but I am nervous on being judged. We have court on August 30 so this will be the last assessment/piece of information DHS get before then. Also at some stage tomorrow I have to report to Centrelink cos I am on Newstart and apparently this thing at DHS will take all day. Not to mention, DHS have not even got back to me about when I have to be there.
So I think what is stressing me at the moment is all the unknowns. Is Ben out? What is going to do? What will happen if/when he sees the kids? What will be the outcome of this assessment? And how will it affect court? What time do I even have to be there? And how will I fit in a trip to Centrelink as well?
And speaking of court, I tried to call legal aid all last week to get legal rep for the 30th but they haven't returned my calls. Argh. Everything is so up in the air. And I just can't be bothered dealing with any of it. No wonder I like to hide in the refuge of my computer!
God, I am sorry for the whinge. Nobody likes to read all about 'poor me'. I just feel crap. And I don't want to. I hope AF makes an appearance soon and that it helps a bit. If not, who knows what i will do. Most likely, spend more time on Bubhub.
I really do love it there. I love having girls that I can chat to or play games with. It really is my happy place :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
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